Captain:  You have attacked us before, and we survived! You cannot
defeat us. Submit!
Kohr-Ah:  We did. You did. Yes we can. No.
%
Captain:  Surrender or die.
Kohr-Ah:  Our counter to your statement is simpler. Just `die'.
%
Druuge:  Since everything on our world is Corporation property this
means any ex-employee is instantly trespassing and is guilty of
stealing Corporation property such as air and sunlight. The only
appropriate penalty for theft is to feed the furnace.
%
Ilwrath:  And So Now, Squishy Hu-Man, I Wonder What Sort Of Noise You
Will Make When I Pull Off Your Arms? A High And Wailing Scream, Or A
Low Moan Of Ultimate Suffering?
%
Ilwrath:  I See That You Have Come To Your Senses And Are Now Prepared
To Engage In The Festival Of A Thousand Screams. Although Your Initial
Rejection Of The Honor Was Dismaying, We Realize That It May Have Been
A Shock To Be So Privileged.
%
Captain:  There is no need for conflict; let peace begin!
Ilwrath:  Excellent! We Enjoy The Process Of Rending Life So Much More
When The Life Giver Is Willing. Come Now In Peace And Give That Which
Makes You Live!
%
Ilwrath:  It Is A Squishy Bone-Bag Hu-Man! It Is Waiting For Kazon To
Knead Its Body With The Cilia Of Dread Until It Can Only Roll And
Bleat. Hah! It Can Only Hope To Be So Honored. Even Now It Begs For
Death And So Now I Must Decide... Will It Be By Sequentially Bursting
Sensory Apparatus Until Nothing Remains? Will It Be By Shaking It
Until It Is Oozing All Over? Will It Be By Chewing Off Bits And Pieces
Until It No Longer Functions? Hmm, I Think Not The Latter -- Too Many
Bones.
%
Ilwrath:  We Look Forward To The Careful Exploration Of Your Structure.
First, We Will Peel Back The Curious Follicle-Infested Outer Layer
Followed By The Greasy Blankets Of Yellow Lard. Such A Confusing
Hodge-Podge Of Parts Can Entertain For Hours!
%
Captain:  `Trade' is for the weak.  We TAKE what we want!
Melnorme:  We reel with inchoate fear, and are thrown into a sudden
panic. Being peaceful by nature we would no doubt be unprepared for
your sudden hostility were it not for the excellent weapon system we
bought from the Keel-Verezy just last month. A weapon system which is
fully locked on your command bridge, by the way.
%
Captain:  We have no fear of you, Melnorme!
Melnorme:  You should. Once the Dramya thought they could steal from
us. You don't see too many Dramya around these days, do you?
%
Captain:  I have business on this world.  Move aside.
Mycon:  Juffo-Wup cannot be stopped by mere energy blasts. However, you
are Non -- not part of Juffo-Wup. You CAN be destroyed by energy
blasts. Let us demonstrate.
%
Mycon:  You have been of service to us. Your insight into the ineffable
Juffo-Wup is encouraging. Perhaps, if we were to plant spore sacs in
your brain organ and let its tendrils spread through your flesh, then
you would truly understand Juffo-Wup... become part of Juffo-Wup. You
WOULD be happier and more fulfilled.  Consider our offer.
%
Slylandro:  You don't know how monotonous living on a gas giant for
three or four Drahn can be. Clouds, clouds, clouds. We have over eight
hundred different symbolic references just to describe them! Most of
the time, when we aren't eating we hover around and talk about what
the clouds look like. Of course, the only things we know about are
clouds, food and other Slylandro, so generally, that's what we think
the clouds look like.
%
Captain:  What are those glowy bits inside of you?
Slylandro:  OH MY! I forgot! You creatures see in the visual range and
can see our... well our, er... well, WE can't see them. Ehhh...
Ahem... What I mean to say is... they are... well we use them for when
the male and the female... ahem. Look, I'd rather if you didn't ask
about them, okay? (especially not if front of Sullen Plummet... she's
shy.)
Captain:  I said... WHAT ARE THOSE GLOWY THINGS IN SIDE OF YOU?!
Slylandro:  Great. Now you've done it! Just look at Sullen Plummet.
You've embarrassed her so badly that she can't even regulate her
ballast.
Captain:  Look, I'm sorry I asked about your... glowy bits.
Slylandro:  That's okay. Actually, your explicit questions have put
Sullen Plummet in an unusual and intriguing mood. I will explore this
change more fully when this conversation is over.
%
Spathi:  We did not expect to see you again so soon, Hunam! Our
prognosticators had indicated that you would not return for at least
30 years, and now I fear, they will lose their tenure as a consequence.
Here's an idea! Leave now and do not return until the appointed time.
This premature visit shall remain our little secret, eh?
%
Spathi High Council:  Tell us how you acquired our most Secret Spathi
Cypher which every Spathi swears never, never to reveal even when
threatened with considerable pain.
Captain:  We met a Spathi on Pluto... uh, we became good friends!
Spathi High Council:  And just where is this Spathi `friend' now? Never
mind -- the answer is all too obvious in your tiny, dry eyes.
Captain:  We have Fwiffo on board. He can vouch for our good
intentions!
Spathi High Council:  If you held a weapon to Fwiffo's head, he would
say anything you wanted him to say. In fact, if you held a vegetable
to his head he would probably say anything you wanted him to say.
%
Captain:  Uh... sorry about that little mistake... we thought we had
gotten all of those creatures.
Spathi High Council:  That was not a little mistake. A little mistake
is leaving the top off the eye cream or forgetting to clean your lid
in the morning. Now on the other hand, a big mistake might be, say
telling your friends that a certain place is safe when in fact it is
crawling with hideous, hungry beasts who want nothing more than to
feast on soft, Spathi flesh! That's a big mistake.
%
Captain:  Yes we ARE strong enough! Look at our Precursor vessel. Is it
not unique?
Spathi High Council:  Yes, your vessel is unique, and here is the crux
of the problem. A `Unique', meaning singular, starship is not equal to
the task of destroying the entire Ur-Quan armada. If you had, say, ten
thousand similar starships, we could take your boasts more seriously.
%
Captain:  Why are you still here, Captain Fwiffo?
Fwiffo:  I, Fwiffo, was left here alone, for as even the most immature
encrustling knows there must always be one Spathi who picks the short
Ta Puun stick.
%
Captain:  How many crew do you have aboard?
Fwiffo:  Dozens - that is to say, scores and perhaps even hundreds of
my brethren stride through the corridors of this specially modified,
super-efficient, mass-destruction-oriented starship which could lay
siege to an entire planetary system should we choose to do so. Which,
fortunately for you, we have decided not to do, today.
Captain:  Hundreds? Come on.
Fwiffo:  I guess I am not revealing any truly important secrets if I
tell you that each of my species' Eluder-class Voidships typically
holds 30 Spathi crewmen, though at present my vessel, the StarRunner,
is not up to full complement due to the needs of my homeworld in their
resistance against the Ultimate Evil and in fact my vessel is somewhat
understaffed right now, seeing as how I am the only Spathi on board,
which is a bit frightening as I am sure you can understand.
%
Captain:  We are on a peaceful mission through the Cosmos.
Spathi:  Two aspects of your last statement defy the course of nature
as I know it. First:  `Peace' as you call it, is an illusion. If you
have `Peace', you simply haven't yet seen the thing that's trying to
kill you. Second:  Peaceful missions through the Cosmos rarely require
weapons large enough to punch holes through a small moon.
%
Spathi:  When the Ur-Quan arrived at Spathiwa, there was a great
ceremony. Part of that ceremony involved blasting portions of our
planet's surface into radioactive dust and this part we did not enjoy.
%
Captain:  Wanna fight?
Spathi:  Er... Yeah, we do.
Captain:  So let us fight.
Spathi:  Okay, let's fight. Here we go. We're rarin' to fight.
Captain:  So let's fight, already!
Spathi:  Oh! Um... we changed our minds. We don't want to. Sorry.
(Pwappy, you idiot! I told you that wouldn't work!)
%
Captain:  What do you guys do for fun out here in deep space?
Spathi:  We used to be bored, but then we bought this cool
entertainment product. It simulated a grand adventure through a
thousand parsecs of hostile space where we met interesting aliens,
uncovered the secrets of a long-lost superior race and eventually, to
save our worlds from destruction, we had to face the dread. Never
mind, I can tell you aren't really interested.
%
Captain:  I am Captain Zelnick from Earth.  We come in peace.
Supox:  I am Captain Ala-la'la. We come in peace.
Captain:  Our starship is called Vindicator.
Supox:  Our starship is called the Tender Shoot.
Captain:  We are The New Alliance of Free Stars From Earth.
Supox:  We are the Supox Utricularia from Earth.
Captain:  You're from Earth??? Hey! Are you just copying whatever I
say?
Supox:  Oh yes, we apologize for the confusion, our homeworld is also
called Earth, or more properly Vlik, which means `Perfectly Good and
Nutritious Dirt'. Earth is pretty close, is it not?
%
Captain:  I know what you are, evil creature. You are a lying, boneless
dweeb!
Talking Pet:  Yes, Captain. I am a lying, boneless, toady dweeb, but I
am YOUR lying, boneless, toady dweeb!
%
Captain:  So how is the new Culture developing?
Thraddash:  Augh! If it were not for our certainty in your wisdom,
great Teacher from Earth, we would not have remained a `Contemplative'
culture for more than a single day. As it is, we have contemplated our
strategies, tactics, our weapons, the stars, the planets, and even our
navels, which for a Thraddash is very uncomfortable and requires at
least two mirrors.
%
Umgah:  We MUST reward you!... but what do we have to give?
Protoplasm?... no, no, not easily appreciated. Vigorous esters?... no,
too common. HAVE IT! HAVE IT! GENETIC MODIFICATION!! YES! IT PERFECT
GIFT!! Listen human Earthling! We add some extra eyes! A few
tentacles! Other organs of whatever size and shape you desire!! What?!
You not want more organs?... You sure?... How strange... how sad.
%
Zoq:  Attention starship! We are the Zoq-Fot-Pik.
Pik:  Make no hostile actions!
Zoq:  We come in peace, and with good will.
Pik:  But if you make one false move, you're vapor!
Zoq:  Don't worry, my companion is just a bit nervous
Pik:  No, I'm not!
Zoq:  and argumentative.
Pik:  No, I'm not.
%
Captain:  Which one of you creatures is the Fot?
Zoq:  He is.
Pik:  No, she is!
Zoq:  No, I'm not!
Pik:  Yes, you are.
Zoq:  Cripes! We've been through this a million times!
Pik:  That doesn't change anything. You're the Fot!
Zoq:  Faugh! Well, Captain, as you can see, this is a point of some
contention.
Pik:  Fot!
%
Zoq-Fot-Pik:  In our ancient past, four species evolved intelligence on
our homeworld. Simultaneously. They were the Zoq, the Fot, the Pik and
the Zebranky. We three, the Zoq, Fot, and Pik evolved in such a way as
to acquire sustenance from many sources:  from airborne zooplankton,
from solar and ambient energies and from rocky fungal clingers. The
Zebranky also consumed a variety of foods, namely: the Zoq, the Fot
and the Pik.
%
Captain:  What `nightmare' are you talking about? What's the matter?
Zoq-Fot-Pik:  Our planets are under attack from an invading horde! We
do not know who they are, or why they are here.
We are being blown to bits. Fleets of alien ships appear out of
nowhere, then unleash terrible destructive energies. Fortunately...
they release these energies on each other. Unfortunately... they favor
combat near strong gravity wells. Their stray shots regularly strike
the surface of our planets, often with tragic results. Fortunately...
they have never found our homeworld, only our colony planets.
Unfortunately... all of our colonies have perished as a consequence.
%
Zoq:  Ah! It is the alien from the Chenjesu's Alliance!
Pik:  Just look at those weapon pods on his ship.
Zoq:  We hope that during this visit we can make clear to your species
the benefits of a mutual-assistance pact.
Pik:  But we're also armed to the teeth so don't try stealing our
atmosphere or anything sneaky like that!
%
Zoq:  Once more, the Alliance starship has returned.
Pik:  Yeah. I bet THIS is the time they try to trick us.
Zoq:  Alien Captain, do you bring word from your Leaders?
Pik:  If he does, I bet it's something like "Submit or be Eaten!"
%
Zoq:  The black ship appeared in orbit several days ago and began
raining down bolts of destructive energy on the surface of our planet!
Pik:  Fortunately 
Zoq:  We were able to focus our planetary shields to deflect the energy
blasts away from our cities. 
Pik:  Unfortunately
Zoq:  Large sections of our planet's beautiful wilderness have been
annihilated... entire ecosystems destroyed.
Pik:  Oh! That makes me REALLY mad! I mean, attacking helpless,
intelligent, alien species that's one thing but toasting our cute
little wood Jukes and tree Narfs that's really low!
Zoq:  If the black ship had been accompanied by others of its kind we
wouldn't have been able stop the rain of destruction, they would have
killed us all.
Pik:  Well in that case, better those Jukes and Narfs than us, right?
%
Captain:  Tell me more about your people.
Zoq:  Ah! Cultural exchange. A good idea.
Pik:  Yeah! Let's tell him about Frungy!
Zoq:  Be quiet, you fool! He asked a serious question! He doesn't want
to know about Frungy.
Pik:  How do you know? What makes you so smart? You never even asked
him if he wants to know about Frungy. Why, I'll bet right now he's
wondering `What is this wonderful sport, Frungy?', `How is it
played?', `What kind of equipment do you need to play Frungy?' and `I
wonder who's ahead in the Frungy Championships?'
Zoq:  AUGH! Will you just SHUT UP ABOUT FRUNGY?! If you say another
word about that STUPID GAME I'm going to lose control and blow a cloud
of spores at you!
Pik:  Yech! Okay, okay. Don't blow your sac. I won't mention Frungy
again, I promise.
Zoq:  Well, Captain, as you can probably see, our culture's predominant
trait, its greatest strength AND weakness is the diverse interactions
between Zoq, Fot, and Pik.
Pik:  FRUNGY! FRUNGY! FRUNGY!
%
Pik:  After we killed off the last Zebranky we faced an interesting
question.
Zoq:  Should we proceed, and establish a culture which would advance in
art, technology and social sophistication?...
Pik:  ...Or should we just go back into the forest and kick back and
enjoy ourselves knowing that a Zebranky wasn't gonna jump out of a
bush and eat us!
Zoq:  Well, we DID go back into the forest. We stayed there for about
five thousand years and had a great time.
%
Pik:  Then, one stormy day, a Zoq, a Fot, and a Pik were walking up a
steep path looking for something good to eat, when a bolt of lightning
struck nearby. With a huge flash of light, the bolt of energy carved a
strangely-shaped chunk of granite out of a cliff.
Zoq:  It was a disk, with a hole in the middle! As the rock began to
roll down the hill, toward the three terrified beings some dry grass
got caught in its hole, and since the rock was still hot, the grass
caught on fire.
Pik:  When the rock finally got to the Zoq, the Fot, and the Pik, they
simultaneously discovered the Wheel, Fire, and Religion, thus
catapulting them on to the road of progress
Zoq:  Which has led us to this day, Captain. Oh! How did the flaming
wheel give religion to our Culture, you ask?
Pik:  I will explain. You see, when it got to the threesome, the
flaming wheel was going at a pretty good clip and it ran smack into
the Zoq, killing him.
Zoq:  The Fot and the Pik felt so bad, they really liked that Zoq!...
...that they decided the Zoq hadn't really died when the wheel
flattened him, he had just gone to `a better place.'
Pik:  Presumably one without lethal flaming wheels.
%
We are the the Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah...
...The followers of the Path of Now and Forever!
You are filth. We shall cleanse.
You WILL be annigilated... I mean annihigated.. damn!
CUT! CUT! Let's start over!
Hey, mister director... can you PLEASE think of SOME other word
besides...
...agnigilate... I mean, oh what's the use. I give up.
	(Kohr-Ah in game credits)
%
*Happy campers* are the best. It is *happy*
HOLD IT! I'm getting sick of this stupid dialog!
Who wrote this stuff -- a five year old?
Okay, okay. I'll try it again *sigh*...
...*Happy* campers are best. It is good to *smell* you again...
	(Orz in game credits)
%
Ah, a final parting with our favorite seeker of enlightenment... how
sad.
But wait! This doesn't have to be the end!
We have established a conduit from the reams of our Harmonic Awareness
directly to you!
You can use this channel to ask us questions about your past lives, or
your future destiny!
Just call 1-900-PKUNKRA...
...That's 1-900-PKUNKRA, 24 hours a day!
Only two bucks per minute.
(children under 18 must have parental permission before calling.)
	(Pkunk in game credits)
%
SNORT! I am furious and ready to KILL!
Throughout this entire game, I've done nothing but bluster and
threaten!
I've had no opportunity to show my true skills as an actor, my depth
and range.
No one knows my sensitivity... my gentle inner being.
SNORT! What if from now on I'm type-cast as a heavy?!
WHIMPER! Now Spielberg may NEVER call me!
	(Thraddash in game credits)
%
Blah, blah, blah!
Mary had a little lamb!
I like to hold fuzzy little animals and give them huggie-wuggies.
You are probably wondering why an Ur-Quan is saying such stupid
things.
Well, he isn't saying them. I am... that's right -- ME...
...the little guy down in the corner.
Since I've been stuck down here for this entire game...
...translating `Submit or Die!' into about a hundred different
languages...
...I just thought I'd take this opportunity to express MY feelings.
You want to know what I think?
I think this whole game would have been better...
...if they'd done it as a musical!
That's what I think, but do the designers listen to me? NO!
	(Kzer-Za in game credits)
%
Hello again, heroic humanoid!
Ever since you returned the Ultron to us...
...everything has been WONDERFUL... just perfect!
Within just two days our factories will begin churning out...
...appropriate facial appliances, and I have already picked ou my
first mask...
...the Domino of Unrivaled Merriment!
Yes, we are all ecstatic... even the High Proctor gambols...
...as she performs the Exultant Caper of Revelation!
Look how she leaps with the Ultron held high!
How she twirls, how she slips and tosses the Ultron into the air... OH
NOOooooo!!!
(CRASH!!)
	(Utwig in game credits)
%
Oh no! It's one of those ultra-gross humans again!
Quick, hide your eye!
AGGH! Look at the pulpy red thing in its mouth...
...how it wriggles and writhes like a wet blood worm...
...and plays over the hard white nubs that protrude from its headbone!
I think I'm going to be sick.
	(VUX in game credits)
%
Zoq:  Thank you for playing The Ur-Quan Masters.
Pik:  This game has been brought to you by... Frungy! The Sport of
Kings!
Zoq:  No it wasn't!
Pik:  Yes it was!
Zoq:  Frungy had nothing to do with it! This game was about war,
slavery, intolerance... heroism, justice, and the inevitable triumph
of Good over Evil!
Pik:  Are you crazy?! The developers got millions in Frungy
endorsements!
Zoq:  No they didn't.
Pik:  Yes they did.
Zoq:  No they didn't!
Pik:  Yes they did!
Zoq:  Did not!
Pik:  Did too!
Zoq:  Did not!
Pik:  Did too!
	(Zoq-Fot-Pik in game credits)
%
Do you really believe Project Bluebook revealed EVERYTHING the Army
Air Corps knew?
Do you know what REALLY happened at Roswell, New Mexico in the late
1940's?
Have you even heard about the Men in Black?
Do you have any friends who have `missing days'?
Do you sleep with your window unlocked?
Be seeing you...
	(Arilou in game credits)
%
Ah, I see someone approaches, but who is it?
Ho, ho! It is the creature which I wrongly called a disgusting Ur-Quan
slimewad...
...and a cowardly slug-spawn...
...and a pouchless lard-log freak...
...and a leprous, non-functional sex organ...
...and a wallowing, phlegm-filled Ogrunti belly-licker.
HA! My human friend has returned!
So what am I doing here, you ask?
I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST, THAT'S WHAT!!!
I'll be lucky if I don't have a heart attack soon.
You have no idea how hard it is to personally replenish an entire
species!
	(Shofixti in game credits)
%
Whew! I'm glad that's all over.
That was tough, playing second banana to the Utwig.
Now I'm hungry, but I'm sick and tired of sunlight, sunlight,
sunlight!
I want some REAL food!!!
Like a hamburger or a steak... better yet...
...how about a dog!
	(Supox in game credits)
%
So! You probably thought I was dead... DIDN'T YOU!?
Well I'm not! I got away from the ship at the last second...
...and now I'm REALLY going to cause some trouble!
In fact, that's what the sequel is going to be about!
Yeah, that's the ticket! Me and my exciting adventures...
...as I conquer the galaxy for the greater glory of... ME!
It will have action! It will have drama!
It will have gratuitous alien sex scenes!
It's gonna be great!
	(Talking Pet in game credits)
%
Umgah:  Well bloat my belly! It a human Earthling!  Har! Har! Har!
Haven't seen a human Earthling since... since why heck! NEVER seen a
human Earthling! What coincidence!
%
Umgah:  Hi there human! How old fluid sacks today? What?! You don't
HAVE fluid sacks? Har! Har! Har! What do you call your mate then?!!
Har! Har! Har!... You don't HAVE mate? THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER! Har! Har!
Har!
%
Umgah:  Hello human Earthling savior! Although we appreciate your
efforts on our behalf we really hate `Eternal Gratitude' stuff, so
we've decided to kill you now.  Har! Har! Har! We pretty crazy
blobbies, no?!
%
Umgah:  To Arms! To Arms!... wait a minute! Don't HAVE any arms!
AIEE!! MY ARMS!! WHO HAS STOLEN MY ARMS!!! AIEEE!! ARM THIEF!!!
Har! Har! Har!... Never HAD any arms! Har! Har! Har!
%
Umgah:  REALLY, after all things you've done for our people!
So we decided to make you our honorary KING! Congratulations!
Braankk!!
What that sound, officer Flubbo? It was? You sure? King-Killing Horn?
Har! Har! Har! What a sad coincidence, eh, Captain King?
%
JOKE. YES. JOKE. HERE. IS. JOKE.
WHEN. IS. A. SLAVE. NOT. A. SLAVE.
ANSWER.
WHEN. HE. IS. A. SLAVE. MASTER.
	(Umgah-zombies)
%
BETTER. JOKE. YES. BETTER. JOKE. HERE. IT. IS
WHAT. YOU. GET. WHEN. COMBINE. DEUTERIUM. PELLET. TERAWATT. LASER.
AND. PRIMITIVE. EARTH. LEADER. FROM. ASIAN. STEPPES.
ANSWER.
KHAN. FUSION.
	(Umgah-zombies)
%
Now, provided your crew will stop putting their hands out the windows
they will be much better protected against hostile lifeforms.
	(Melnorme after lander upgrading)
%
Spathi:  Each day when we awaken we call forth the traditional Spathi
prayer: Oh God...Please don't let me die today! Tomorrow would be so
much better!
%
Spathi:  We Spathi are always prepared to die, we know just what to
do. It goes something like this:
AIEEEE! No! Please be merciful! Not my claw! Please, no! I beg of you!
The Pain! NO!
%